Friends

It feels so good to finally be sitting on my own couch in my own living room that I can barely think of words for it, and so I’m blogging about my move.

I’ve heard it said before that a true friend will help you burry the bodies. It’s funny, but how often do you actually need that kind of help? Honestly, I found that a true friend will help you move into a third story apartment on a rainy night. My theory is only expanded by the idea that they may learn better over time and maybe a truer friend will help you move out at the end of the lease. But I’m not there yet.

Thanks Ryan for your 13 hours of complaint free help. And Mrs. Lantis for giving up Ryan for 13 hours while you’re moving too. I can’t say thanks enough, and you are so awesome and wonderful people that I don’t feel I need to. What do you call it when someone gives so much that you’re overwhelmed but you feel like it would almost spoil the beauty of it if you tried to even the score? I guess it’s true friendship.

Thank you Kasi and Brandon for your help. Kasi, Carol had to keep up with you and was 100% more productive than she would have been by herself, plus there was your labors as well. Brandon, you did far more than stand around while Ryan and I carried heavy stuff. Thank you doesn’t cover how grateful I am to you guys, maybe sharing a lasagna or grilling some chicken in the near future would say how grateful. We’ll have to see.

Stephen, I don’t know what to say because I think it’s such a rare breed of friend who will join his friends in moving a complete stranger. You intimidate me with your Christlike beard, attitude and self sacrifice on my behalf. We will have to see you again soon. You win the game changer of the day award. Your strength added at the end of the day was nothing short of a miracle for us.

Lastly I want to thank John and Holly because we called you up a week and a half ago and said “the place we were going to move is not ready, or safe, can we stay with you tonight... we’re ten minutes away.” and you hosted us that very night. Thank you for your hospitality and letting us crash with you guys when we were left with nothing else to do. We look forward to seeing you again soon. We’ll have you over for a cookout on our balcony or something.

These past few weeks have been dramatic for my family, but thankfully we’re settling in now. I hope to be able to do more writing, start my YouTube TV show and start working and really just living again.

It’s Good to be in the Dark:

God spoke to me today about my situation.

Isaiah 50.10-11 says “Who is among you that fears the LORD, That obeys the voice of His servant, That walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. 11 Behold, all you who kindle a fire, Who encircle yourselves with firebrands, Walk in the light of your fire And among the brands you have set ablaze. This you will have from My hand; And you will lie down in torment.”

I desire certainty and long term goals. I want a farther along in life so that when I’m introduced to someone my friend can say “Mr. X this is my friend Cris, he’s a _____” and they will look me in the eye with respect. I struggled for years with indecision because I wanted to do things that I thought I couldn’t, or thought I couldn’t do things because I thought I shouldn’t and now that I’m coming to a point in life of going forward with my plans anyway it seems like I should have been where I am today about, I don’t know, ten or twelve years ago.

Isaiah 46.3-4 says “Listen to Me, O house of Jacob, And all the remnant of the house of Israel, You who have been borne by Me from birth, And have been carried from the womb; 4 Even to your old age, I shall be the same, and even to your graying years I shall bear you! I have done it, and I shall carry you; And I shall bear you, and I shall deliver you.” 

Right now I’m in the dark, I don’t know where the future is leading, or how to get there, I can’t even see the pitfalls on either side of my path. That’s where I’m at right now. I’m in the dark and have to trust Father God to carry me, but I thank God that He reassures us that its actually a good place to be. It’s better for me to be in the dark being carried helpless by Father God than to be stoking a fire on the forest floor and huddling in close for light and heat.

There’s still a lot of doing that happens in this kind of darkness. In Hebrews 11 the author talks about all the guys in the old testament who did amazing things. Abraham was the Father of Faith because God made a promise to him in the dark and Abraham couldn’t see how it would happen. He believed God. Over and over and over again the author says that by faith they did this stuff, and it shows me that many great things are done by God’s people when they are just in faith obeying what they have, even not seeing the fulfillment of what they are doing. 

I’m committed to doing whatever I think God wants me to do today, I’m resting in His arms as he carries me throughout my life. I’m not worried about tomorrow because there is a God up there who will carry those who put their trust in Him. In the end all I really know is that I want to do whatever God made me for, and if I get it done when I’m 33 like Jesus did or when I’m 100 like Abraham did, that’s just fine.

Check out "out of control" by John Reuben

Rejection

I struggled for years to forgive people who hurt me. They cut deep, betrayed trust, could have protected me, but didn't. They should have guided me, but didn't. When I thought they should have known better, they didn't. What I didn’t know was that each failure, no matter what was done to me, was translated by my heart as rejection. I'm not the victim of horrible abusive situations. Everyone has their hurt and scars, I stand next to all victims in the world. We’re together, even as we feel alone. I’ve found acceptance now, and you will too.

I was raised in a christian family. My parents made sure that I went to church every sunday, for years it was a twice on sunday experience. There were mid week services too, I went to the youth group retreats and even participated in the youth group band. Have you ever noticed how superior church people can act at times? Like they think they believe they’re better than you somehow? Yeah, that was me back then. And I wondered why people didn’t like me. The thing about being taught how to be a hypocrite is that your teachers can sometimes be hypocritical too and I ended up feeling rejected.

Each life phase has brought its significant events that my heart has translated as rejection. Disapproval of my education choices, a church split, starving while working with a wealthy preacher. It happened and although I tell myself that it was really a problem with my perspective, it still was translated by my heart as rejection. My rejections came from people at church.

These experiences have instilled in me a paradoxical paradigm that defines much of my view of religion. First, that God loves us, wants good for us, intends us to be whole, and a part of a fellowship that enriches our lives. Second, churches reject me. I don’t really think that it’s some kind of conspiracy or anything, although it feels like it sometimes. When I become a part of a church, ultimately I end up not a part anymore and usually feeling that I was rejected by them. Truth be told, I think it’s my own perception of reality more than the honest reality, I mean, do people really think about me enough to have rejected me? They would have had to consider if they were going to accept or reject me and I don’t think that’s ever really come up.

Rejection prevents me from connecting to other people the way I would like to; trusting, loving, enjoying them. So I've been working through forgiveness this past year in order to find freedom to live how I really want to. Rejection isn’t the end, it isn’t even where my story really begins. 

When we are born into this world there's this little thing struggling for survival, in a word, vulnerable. God designed this little baby to be welcomed into the world, loved and accepted even with dirty diapers, burps and crying all night. Back in the Garden, the one in Genesis, the Bible tells us God walked with Adam. We see that people are supposed to first get love and acceptance from God. When Adam was vulnerable he received validation straight from God, then God gave Adam Eve because it wasn't good for the man to be alone. If your creator affirms your identity and accepts you the way He made you then you can relate to other people properly because it was His acceptance that really matters.

Through the rest of the Bible, and history, people are wondering about their acceptability to God and doing all sorts of things because they either don't feel or are outright told that they aren't excepted by Him. All kinds of rituals, rites and sacrifices are created to right the wrongs in our lives. People all over the world have adapted their consciousness of God and his high standards into religions. Even the best people struggle to FEEL acceptable. Then something big happens about three fourths of the way through the book. This changed my life. God has one guy set up to be something different from the rest of us, for the rest of us, and he dies for us to free us from all the struggling. All the burnt offerings, strangling pigeons and growing beards to please God is fulfilled in one man. This one man, in whom we all died to all that stuff, tore apart a wall that was up between us and our creator. The whole good news of the entire life of Jesus is this: Through His work, you are acceptable to God. Furthermore, you have already been accepted BY God. The old unacceptable you is completely killed on Jesus’ cross and a brand new kind of life emerges that is 100% Different. 

It sounds a little trite to a cynical mind, but you see, I’ve been born again. That validation that I didn’t get from my first family, from my society and church, I get it from God now.  At times people are capable of a lot of good, and they do it, but the validation of a human Spirit can really only come from a being that can see through our flesh and blood existence. That is only creator God. So I can let those people off the hook for the times that I felt let down. All the junk is pale in comparison to really being loved and accepted just as I am for who I am, by God. 

I've been forgiven of everything I did on purpose or accident, I’m free from my past, I am free to forgive. Everyone that I have a right for one reason or another to reject because I feel rejected by you, I want to say, I forgive you. 

I want you to forgive people for rejecting you too. You are not rejected. You are loved.